The Pan Galactic Blogger Blaster has a good post up about Girl Jobs as a followup to his May 25th post on Boy Jobs. Since the archiving links to his site make things a bit hard to find, I feel forced to do that which I dislike: quote the posts in their entirety. They’re his posts, and his terrible spelling, but still a good read.
Boy Jobs:
Women: Episode II
In every marriage there is an enormous list of tasks, devided into two columns; Girl Jobs, and Boy Jobs. It’s important to remember though, that each item on the list must be tended to, so if it’s a boy job, and you don’t get it done, then she has to do it. Now there are to many jobs to list individually. The best thing to do is to understand what constitutes a Boy Job, so when one comes up, you can recognize it, and handle it.
Let’s start with some basic concepts, in no particular order mind you:
1) Women are confounded by machines. Machines are magic to them. It either works, or it doesn’t work, and why or how means nothing to them, they just want it to work, and they need to be as simple as possible. So what can we deduce here? Anything that involves power tools is a boy’s job. Anything that involves a machine that’s finicky is a boys job. If the machine has a choke, she doesn’t want to fool with it. If the machine involves more than two operations to start it, she doesn’t want to fool with it. So.. specifically then: The car is a boy’s job. The lawnmower, the weed-eater, the recipricating saw, the chainsaw, the computer, the furnace and the toilet, and anything involving their maintenence or use, is your job. Note: not maintainence AND use, maintainance OR use… it can be both, but not always. The girl wants to be able to use the car and the toilet, she just doesn’t want to fix them when they break, or do anything to keep them from breaking.
2) Threats. We’re the Lions boys. Anything that is a threat, real or percieved, is a boy’s job. If she’s scared of it, or worried about it, you better bet your ass you will be expected to deal with it. Rats, Roaches, Mice, Snakes, Birds, Rapists, Mormon’s at the door, Spiders, Fire, Flood, Angry Dogs, or Rabid Feminists if it scares her or the kids, you have to kill it, or chase it away. Any measures taken to prevent these types of things from happening or coming around are also up to the Boy’s.
3) Feats of Strength or Dexterity: We’re faster, Stronger, and Tougher. So anything that requires strenth is our job. It’s true that women often have a better since of balance than we do, but we’re the ones built to take a fall. This should be self-explanitory. If you are calling your wife to open a particularly stuborn jar, then you are hopeless, your wife is cheating on you, and you deserve it.
4) Providing for the Family: This isnt an issue when times are good. This isn’t about getting rich, it’s about basic security. Someone has to bring food to the table, and the ultimate responsibility for that is the man’s. Now, if you were smart enough to marry a doctor and retire at 29 like I did, then good on ya. But, that doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility. You see, if the shit hits the fan, and she can’t get a job, it’s ultimately up to ME to go get the food. I either better be able to grow it, or kill it, or be willing to do the lowest form of hard labor imaginable, if it’s necessary to provide for our family. It’s fine if she has a job… but if things run short, its up to the boy to make it right.
5) Responsibility: Any ultra-huge decision is ultimatly the boy’s job. This isn’t because we’re smarter, it’s again, because she doesn’t want it. If she has it, it’s because you mistakenly let her take it from you, when she really didn’t want to take it in the first place. When you’re about to climb a rope, you’ll jerk on it once or twice. Not because you want it to fall down, but because you are making sure its strong enough to hold you.
Yes. I am well aware that we have not yet covered girl’s jobs. I’m not writing this so women can understand men though am I? I may cover girl’s jobs next… or I may go on to something else… I will eventually get to it though.
Girl Jobs:
Girl’s Jobs
Some time ago we had a lively little discussion on boy’s jobs. It sort-of evolved into Keeping Your Wife Happy 101. I promised at some point to talk about girl jobs. Well, after much antici… pation, here ya go.
Remember the original premise though. There exists a great list of “Things that must be done”. The benefit to being married is that the list gets divided. When you’re single you must accomplish everything on your own. We refer to those who are incapable of doing this co-dependent.
1) Cleaning. I’m not talking about picking up clutter here. I mean real honest to God scrubbing. Men are not capable of doing this to the high standards women set. So ya have to options girls. Either lower your standards, or do it yourself… wait… three options… there is always the Nate plan: Hire a maid.
2) Social Coordination: Men have no more business making these decisions than girls have underneath the hood of the truck. What parties, get togethers and what-not that you want to attend or host are stictly your affair. We’d rather not be involved at all. We’ll only step in we absolutely have to. Logisticals of who we see on what day of our family visit, or who we’ll eat dinner with on what night, are totally up to you.
3) Birthin’. Sorry girls. Can’t help ya there. I’ll be smokin’, drinkin’, and pacing nervously in the waiting room. Which is were men belong. Dammit.
4) Hydration. A man hard at any form of physical labor developes a powerful thirst, and few things in this world will endear a woman to him like a well timed class of sweet iced tea. A woman who will take care of you like that, is worth killing for. That’s a fact.
5) Tend to your appearence. yes. This is shallow. I won’t apologies for it though. You want a resentful, angry husband? Put on 40 pounds and stop shaving your legs. He’ll either make your life miserable with his bitching, pretend to be happy while he cheats on you, or simply leave with no explaination.
Now that’s not a long list. What is important is how she makes her husband feel. All day long its him against the world. He needs to know that someone is on his side. He needs someplace to go to get out of the storm. Her job is to take care of him.
When Jim and I got to the hotel after the Iron Butt ride… man I don’t know that I’ve ever missed Julie more. I was wiped out. All I wanted was someone to bring me something to eat and a fresh pair of clothes. Just to say, “Take it easy for a while big guy, I’ll handle it from here.”
I hear these girls complaining all the time about how they don’t have time to do all there work. Like the life of the stay-at-home wife is so terrible and demanding. Hell… when their husbands get home from work, they basicly drop the kid in his lap and leave. Taking care of the kid is their job, and when he gets home, it’s quittin’ time. These women talk about how they get so frustrated with thier kids… how they have to just get away from them. They demand that they get a mom’s day out every week.
I can’t even begin to relate to that. When the guys get home, these chicks flip out if he doesn’t load the dishwasher or help with laundry. Funny… I didn’t see your lazy asses helping him out at work today. The amazing thing is, that these chicks forget that julie and I are the opposite of them. So they will complain to Julie about all this stuff… and Julie will be thinking… “I wish to God I could have your life, and you are bitchin?”
In short, these women are the exact opposite of what a good wife should be.
Here’s my advice to you stay at home moms:
1) Hire a maid, or lower your standards on clean. This frees up time.
2) Feed your husband. He doesn’t care if it’s take-out or home cooked. Just have something for him to eat.
3) Find something that the guy does and learn to enjoy it. You have to have something that you can do together for fun. Horses. Shotguns. Football. Hockey. It can be anything, but this alone can save a marriage on the rocks. I’ve seen it.
4) Screw him like a pornstar. Do ya love the guy? This is how ya show him. Sex is how man guages the stability and quality of the relationship. If you’re a sex-kitten, then he’s the king baby, and everything is right with the world.Thats all for now.